As tradition (of Flips) dictates, an epic tale is called upon to wrap up this whirlwind year of the usual ups and downs. Like all Christmas movies, this tale is one of adventure, or valor, and saving the world from certain frivolous danger. Many people would attribute it to Tolkien as the father of fantasy adventures undertaken by folks of various skills coming together to fight. This tale, I suppose, will therefore have to acknowledge Tolkien’s contribution to the literary world in order to avoid copyright arguments which may lead to loss of profits reaped. Thus, it begins.
Time: A few days before Christmas
It was a chilly morning when the letter arrived. The Great Flips and Pooh were snoozing softly under mountains of blankets and pillows when the postman came knocking. The Great Flips woke up grumpily and gave Pooh’s armpits a poke with her flipper and after a few seconds, she opened one beady eye to gaze at an unmoving Pooh with his eyes tightly shut, and tightly knitted brow typical of one who needed to genuinely concentrate and look like he was deep in sleep. Exasperated, The Great Flips rolled herself out of bed and headed for the door. She was a few lumbers from the door when the door swung open swiftly. Beyond the door stood a fat white stork looking hungry and cold.
It tried to take a step into the cosy room when The Great Flips coughed, “AHEM.”
The stork stopped.
“Did I say you can enter?”
“The door wasn’t locked, madam.”
“So? Doesn’t mean you can just hop right in, yeah? Besides, if it’s open, why the beep did you knock like mad???”
As the stork was about to speak, The Great Flips had swiftly lumbered to the door and slammed it shut. The stork was left puzzled as he heard furious scrambling of locks and multiple latches being locked up behind the door. Then there was a proud clearing of throat, and a cute inquisitive voice asked,” who is it?”
“It’s the stork. From Santa.” The stork said dryly.
The Great Flips gave a surprised ‘oh!’ and proceeded to hastily unlatch and unlock the door. She swung the door open and said, “how nice, come in from the cold quickly!”
“Right,” replied the stork and came in, who was by now near delirious, either from the cold and hunger, or this sheer madness he was not accustomed to. Sudeenly, he heard a heavy thump and a worrying sound coming from the room, like a boulder rolling towards him. From the bedroom door, a fat yellow lump was on the floor, rolling furiously towards him and The Great Flips. The ball of yellow stopped at his scrawny feet and the stork eyed the The Great Flips, who had a practiced, seasoned look of resignation on her face, and then eyed the yellow lump. “Hi Pooh.”
“HELLLLLOOOOO!!!” screamed the yellow lump who was coincidentally also the yellow lump who was snoozing very hard just now and could barely be woken. “What brings you here, Storkie? It’s too early for my Christmas present. Flippy says it’s a good few more days to Christmas! Where’s my present? Shouldn’t they be coming in a container truck? I asked Santa for quite a bit of stuff this year! Where’s the exotic
“I’m not Storkie.”
“You’re not??” screamed The Great Flips and Pooh in unison of disgust and disdain, as they proceeded to turn about and head back to the bedroom to continue hibernating in an attempt to blatantly ignore the still nameless stork.
Horrified, the stork quickly shouted, “I’m his brother, for Pete’s sake! I’m Ted!”
The two soft toys stopped and turned around to eye him.
The Great Flips, in a matter of fact, asked, “So why are you named Ted when your brother’s obviously more appropriately named Storkie?”
“His name isn’t Storkie. His name is Jaffar Abu Cigogne Blanche Junior. It’s on his business card, don’t you folk read?”
The Great Flips, with a pregnant pause, turned to look at Pooh, who was by now seated on the sofa, swinging his legs happily to the crunching tune of potato chips. In reply, Pooh stared back benignly at the two of them. He said nothing.
“So now you two see how we are brothers? The names tell, don’t they?” continued Ted earnestly.
“So you’re Ted Cigogne Blanche Senior?” The Great Flips asked, rather tiredly.
“No, the name’s just Ted.”
As the momentary awkward pause came to pass, The Great Flips then asked, “so what business brings you here? Ooh ooh! Is it my Christmas present instead? Shouldn’t they be coming in a container truck? I asked Santa for quite a bit of stuff this year too! Where?? Where’s the plutonium 22?”
Pooh sat up excitedly, peering behind Ted.
“No, actually.”
Pooh slumped back into the seat.
“I come bearing a grave secretive letter from Santa. And he specifically instructed me to hand it to The Great Flips personally.”
At that, The Great Flips gave a clap with her flippers, and Pooh jumped off his sofa and rushed off to rummage in the War Room to come back with her carefully polished claw. Proudly putting it on, she asked for the letter and proceeded to slice open the envelope.
“Ah, indeed it’s a secretive letter. It’s even written in code. It’s difficult to tell what’s written, I’ll need some time to decode it, ” said The Great Flips as she examined the letter methodologically.
“Dear Flips, a matter of grave importance has come to my attention. I direly request your aid. A few days ago…”
“Pooh, how is it you’re able to read, Pooh?” asked The Great Flips, looking on at Pooh squatting and peering behind the letter she was holding up. “Oh.”
Hastily turning the letter around, she proceeded to read, trying very hard to be oblivious to the stifled giggling from Pooh and Ted.
“Ah, apparently something very dear and precious to Santa has been scammed from him by some organization. And Santa says it concerns the safety of the world and threatens Christmas itself! Holy smoking beavers! This is grave indeed! And he hopes we can go retrieve it! Ah ha! A quest! Pooh, we’re going on a quest, Pooh!”
“Ah, then you’re gonna need help, chum! A good deal of help!”
“Yes yes. O’ lad’s right! A fellowship to embark on a perilous quest!”
“Who’s that?” asked The Great Flips, looking around. There was nobody in sight.
“Relax, chum! It’s just us. Me and me brother here!”
“What?!?!?! My armpits are talking!!!!” screamed The Great Flips, turning left and right to stare at her armpits in shock.
“Yes, yes. Quit being all surprised chum! It’s just good o’ Christmas magic from Santa’s letter that rubbed off us. Rubbing, get it, chum? Rubbing armpits! Hoho, that’s a good one laddie!”
“Aye, laddie! Hilarious one!”
“Yeah, it happens,” said Ted, trying to comfort her, while signaling to his own pits who were singing Christmas carols softly. “It’ll wear off after a while, after the fad fades.”
“Other than us, we’re gonna need more help, chum! We have to go East to seek out the fearsome trio: two warriors and an Elf Lord. The warriors are famed for their ferocity and strength. The Elf Lord is skilled with his Long Bow, as are all Elves. Except Christmas elves, of course. Middle-working class, those lads, hung up their bows to work in factories like gnomes ever since the turn of the 19th century and industrialism.”
“And pray tell, how do you guys know that?” screamed The Great Flips again.
“Course we know, chum. We’re Irish!”
“He’s Irish. Me’s from
Rolling her eyes, The Great Flips retreated into her bedroom. “What’s wrong Flips? Aren’t you going?” asked Pooh in concern.
“I’m packing! You need good war planning in the cosmetic pouch when you’re going so far away! God knows where in the East!!!
“Oh.”
“But still!!!” mumbled The Great Flips, breaking off into incoherent blabbers.
And so it began, a quest to save the world from unknown danger, wielded by still unknown villains. After giving Ted a potato chip and sending him off, The Great Flips and Pooh set off towards the
‘Vrrrroom!’
As War Tank came to a screeching halt, from the rather hindered directions of the armpits, they arrived near an abode in Tampines.
The door was open when they arrived, and they saw a strange sight. With his fat buttocks facing them, was a small white figure hunched over a bit of bone, chewing as if he has not eaten for days.
“Aye, that’s the dwarf there! Famed for his ferocity and valor in battle. Rumours has it he fights without the need of a weapon. Heard from a cousin in
“That fat white chicken is the warrior we seek?”
“Aye, chum! He doesn’t talk much though. People who don’t take time to listen often claims he just barks. Ha, isn’t it funny laddie? You would think it’s a dog!”
The Great Flips replied, “yes, now that you mention it, he does look like a fat white dog. One of those from
“You have to speak to the other warrior, chum! Fat white chicken there follows the instructions of the other!” echoed the armpits helpfully.
And there not far from the fat white chicken, was another hunchy figure. This time, the figure was a lot taller and The Great Flips was impressed by the strength and skill executed by the warrior who was wielding a cleaver, furiously chopping chicken parts in silence. “Ah, very professional. Good! Practising and living the codes befitting of a warrior. Donning a helmet even if it’s just chopping chicken,” remarked The Great Flips.
“It’s my hair. And you can call me Delilah,” murmured the hunchy warrior. “And that’s Wobs,” pointing to the fat white chicken with her cleaver, sending chicken bits flying in the process. Suddenly, a strong wave of fragrance hit them as another figure emerged from a chamber within.
“Aye, chum. That’s the Elf Lord. No mistaking him. Tall, pale and commands respect.”
“Aye, usually well preserved too, chum, from the ancient secret arts passed down to every generation in his clan.”
And so, they sat the heroes down to tell them of their quest. The dwarf, as usual, had to be given an elevated chair so he could see and hear the conversation.
“Hmm, no no, we’re not going. N O.” replied Delilah after listening. “I’m busy.”
“Busy with what?” asked The Great Flips.
“Just busy.”
At that point, another figure came in through the front door.
“Ah, sister, you’ve come! These are our new friends, and they were just asking us to go on a quest with them,” said Tonylas, standing up to welcome his sister.
“Then you better don’t go, so dangerous!” exclaimed the Elf Lordish. (Author insert: the elves were particular about sexism and found the term Elf Mistress to be sexist, thus changing it to Elf Lordish)
In the same breath, the Elf Lordish said, “Hello.” And gave The Great Flips a hard thump on her back. The Great Flips could only stare back, gob smacked.
“We’re going,” came the defiant retort from Delilah behind a big bowl of chicken soup. “And we’re leaving after our small lunch here, just eat a bit.” And indeed, there was only a bit of food in front of her- a small plate of rice, a small plate of beef, a small coconut, a small handful of nuts, a small chunk of bread, a small slab of chocolate, a small slice of cheese, and a small platter of assorted fruit.
“Ah, but the fellowship needs a cleric, chum. One of healing abilities!” chirped the armpits as everyone looked on in shock, all except Pooh, who was as usual, swinging his legs seated on the chair, eating a bit of bread with both paws and smiling benignly.
“I do know of one. An elusive one. She’s very hard to find, one seldom seen,” said Tonylas thoughtfully. “Her abode is near though.”
“Where is it?” asked The Great Flips enthusiastically.
“Why in fact, it’s just next door. Beyond that magical door you see there, is a magical realm known as Area 51. Not many people have gone in and lived to tell of what’s inside,” continued Tonylas. “But she will be a helpful ally to have. If we can find her, that is. She’s rumoured to be from a long line of Gaulish druids and some also say, Mongolian descent. She has former Gothic affiliations too. Her name’s Drugz Getafix. But who’s brave enough to go get her?” wondered Tonylas, as he looked around the table.
“I’ll go,” murmured Delilah, as she got up and calmly strolled to the entrance of Area 51. “Drugz!!” yelled Delilah, giving the door a few strong knocks, and then hastily rushed back to the table. Minutes passed, as everyone held their breath in anticipation. All, except, of course, Pooh, who was still swinging his legs and clutching on to a stray bit of beef with both paws, smiling benignly. Finally, the door creaked and out stepped a figure uncertainly, barely able to stand properly, sniffling into a bit of tissue.
“Ah, I thought it might be some old lady, or a witch figure type with beard or something,” chirped Pooh merrily.
“The beard’s behind, bear,” replied Drugz as she grudgingly pointed to the back of her neck. “And I’m more of a druid actually. I like to experiment with concoctions. Vitamins, anyone? So what’s up?”
Thus it was, that four more joined the fellowship on the quest to save the world: the Elf Lord, the dwarf, the warrior and the druid. As instructed by Santa, and the address given in the letter, they embarked towards the hotspot of evil in the land, the heart where mindless hordes congregate and the ugliest of human behaviour found:
Following the address, they reached a tall building that indicated ‘Samrio Corporations’ on it’s signboard. Pooh looked at The Great Flips, and he could tell she did not have a good feeling about it. Her eyes were extra beady, and was so nervous she wore her claw the wrong way.
The Great Flips was indeed feeling uneasy. Samrio Corporations brought a familiar ring. What or who was inside?
The companions looked at one another, rooted to the ground, readying themselves for the battle inside. Then with a war cry that was not very coherent, The Great Flips charged towards the doors and gave it a mighty pull. The doors did not budge.
“Flips, erm, push. The doors say push,” said Pooh helpfully.
“Ahem. Right. Charge!!!” and she gave the door a once again mighty push, as the companions charged in to the lobby of the building. It was eerily silent. It was
From the dark corner of the elevator shaft, a pair of eyes glowed. A loud growl came from it. At that, Wobs gave an equally earth shattering bark, only that it was more shrill and high-pitched. The pair of eyes charged out from it’s dark corner and emerged a big majestic wolf. It had brown fur and equally deep brown eyes. It looked at the companions and gnarled, baring it’s yellowish sharp teeth. Everyone anticipated Wob, the first to issue a challenge with his mighty bark, to step up to face the fierce some brown wolf. However, Wobs just stood there, rooted to his ground. He gave a few more barks. But perhaps his bow tie collar was too tight, and he fainted. His white fat body lay limp on the floor, his hair and beard artistically sprawled.
The brown wolf charged straight at the companions. They were caught off-guard by the surprise by Wobs and were unprepared, weapons either undrawn or worn the wrong way. At that moment, Pooh strolled in front of the wolf, and gave it a stern smack on its snout. “No, no ah!” Pooh said in a strict tone.
The brown wolf looked at Pooh, shocked and taken aback. Then it proceeded to seat down and smile happily at Pooh.
“Go home. Go home!” shrieked Pooh, and the brown wolf got up quickly and ran back into it’s small cage near the elevator shaft.
“There. Let’s go!” chirped Pooh and the companions heaved a sigh of relief and headed for the elevator shaft.
The lift required a key in order to go up to the top floor. There was nothing the companions could do. Then, The Great Flips jubilantly shouted, “ah hah!” She reached into her small bag that was impressively jam packed with loads of cosmetics, cards, gadgets, hair gel and Cleo. From the bag, she whipped out a compact light blue box.
“Ah, the detonator! Good idea to bring it along Flips!” remarked Pooh.
“Yes, yes. Always be prepared.” Replied The Great Flips as she busily hooked wires up to the detonator and the elevator wire-box. Expertly, she stabbed at some buttons and shouted some weird commands into the detonator. The lift door then closed and headed towards the top floor. Everyone was cheering and praising The Great Flips for a job well done.
As the doors opened, the companions peered out cautiously and seeing that the coast was clear, spread themselves out against the walls of the corridor. Just as they were about to proceed, two flying projectiles came at them at high speed.
“Look out, chum!”
Behind the flying projectiles, came flying something else too. The companions scrambled for cover and from the flurry, The Great Flips spied a little catapult from where the projectiles came. And behind the catapult, she saw two familiar figures. Two familiar figures in pink. “Rhos! Frazzlez!!! What the hell are you guys doing here?!?!?” screamed The Great Flips hiding behind the impenetrable armor in the form of a self-styled helmet of Delilah.
“Flips!” shouted Rhos, the miniature pink poodle, behind the catapult, blasting off two more stale rock-hard buns.
“Hi flips!” echoed Frazzlez, the other miniature pink poodle. “I’m not sure, Rhos said he got a job for the two of us, so here I am! Oh oh, but eat those buns yeah, they’re leftovers from my dad’s bakery, and we bought them cheap at 10 for 10cents.
“And just WHAT are these then?!?!?!” screamed a horrified Flips, peeling a large envelope off the top of Delilah’s helmet hair (or hair helmet).
“Bah, those are my leftover old fan mail!! Nobody sends me new ones anymore! You want my signature on one of them? See, I told you I Found a new stint. High-paying job, sister! Hah!”
“STOP it!!!!” screamed The Great Flips again.
The barrage of flying buns and fan mail simply did not stop as Delilah took a more defensive stand. Swiftly, she whipped out her frying pan and hit the buns and mail right back at the pink poodles.
“Impressive!” praised Rhos from behind the catapult. “Fraz, more buns!”
“Of course, non-stick pan hor!” murmured Delilah proudly.
“Just what are they paying you, Rhos?”
“Peanuts!” came the staunch reply.
“You mean they’re paying you very little?” The Great Flips queried on.
“No, I mean real peanuts! The Japanese guy said it’s definitely worth more than cucumbers!”
“Ok, fine! I’ll give you something more. I’ll up their offer. Just stop!”
There was a miniature discussion that buzzed from behind the catapult, and the deadly flying buns stopped. “Alright, fine! What’s it?”
The pink poodle pair stepped out from behind the catapult and headed towards the companions, Frazzlez still clutching on to a bit of stale bun uncertainly. The Great Flips gave Drugz Getafix a shove. Drugz looked at The Great Flips innocently, and said, “What? Sniff.” The Great Flips leaned over to Drugz and whispered into her absent ear hidden behind the inseparable combination of hair and neck beard.
“Alright. Fine. Sniff.” Said Drugz grumpily as she reached into her big bag that was jam packed with loads of weird, incongruous stuff of pens, books, tissue, foldable umbrella, medicine and puff sprays. Unhappily, she parted with two Panadol pills and handed them to Rhos.
Rhos took a sniff of it, and said, “alright fine. Fraz, keep the catapult. Our job’s done. I’ll keep the pills, and you get to keep the buns and fan mail to reminisce.”
“Alright, we have to be even more careful from here on. Who knows what we might be up against!” warned The Great Flips as the companions headed down the corridor. AS they turned left towards another corridor, there was a creaking sound from the ceiling and a trap door in the ceiling opened. Hordes of durians tumbled out, and rolled down the corridor towards the companions, picking up deadly speed. With the back of her pan, Delilah tried her best to stop the onslaught of the durians, but there were simply too many to handle. What were they to do?
“Can’t hold on… The durians are going to scratch my non-stick pan surface! Arggh!”
Just when all hopes seemed lost, there was a sudden bright light, and appeared in front of the companions, three figures surrounded by resplendent white light. It was the White Trinity, magical soft toy beings and friends of The Great Flips.
“We have come to pledge our assistance. Hope it’s not awfully late of us,” said Barry primly, the White Owl of Knowledge.
“Yes, so sorry,” quipped Grapeseed, the White Bear of Household Chores.
With a loud hiss, powerful lightning brewed on the top of the head of the Sheep. The powerful daisy tied with a ribbon from the Sheep’s head proceeded to freeze the durians in their path, as the Sheep just stared silently at the companions.
“Hooray!”
“Ah, don’t waste Tonylas. Let’s take some back so tonight can eat,” said Delilah quickly as she hunched over some durians and expertly hacked them open with her cleaver. Using her famous stance of Stealthy Hands Lightning Speed which she learnt from her sister, Delilah proceeded to place the durian fruit into plastic containers, which she whipped out from don’t know where.
“Beyond that door lie the foes you seek. You must be strong for their very faces will haunt you,” said Barry, who gave The Great Flips a knowing stare. “Be brave.” And as Grapeseed was still cleaning up the mess of durians shells out of habit, the White Trinity vanished as quickly as they had come.
“Right. Ok, go go go!” commanded The Great Flips, and the companions threw open the door.
The companions found themselves gazing at 4 pudgy short Asian men in business suits, and they were in a flurry packing to escape before the companions arrive. It was too late for them.
“It’s you….” remarked The Great Flips, in a stoic tone.
“Ah, itush’s you, rhe gleat frips!” said one of the pudgy Asian men.
“Ah, Japanese. Can’t pronounce their ‘Ls’ and ‘Rs’,” commented Pooh knowingly.
These were the very same unscrupulous Japanese businessmen who had tried to create The Great Flips for their own ends. They had managed to escape when The Great Flips got out of control and had taken care to remain hidden. Until now.
“Pooh, get them Pooh! Charge!!!!!” shouted The Great Flips as the companions rushed towards the Japanese. But they all skidded on the floor and could hardly keep their balance.
“Hah, thoo bad! Our froors have been creaned with our Japanese froor creaner. It’s so crean, and spotress you can’t get us!”
“Is that so?” said Tonylas as he whipped out his prized mop from don’t know where. “Ah hah, I see a small spot of dirt! I’ll show you what’s clean!” Tonylas proceeded to pour his own detergent on the floor and swiftly mopped it.
“NOOO! How can this be? Itush’s evan creaner than ours! Let’s escape!”
“Oh not so fast!” said The Great Flips as the companions ran towards them on the cleaner-than-ever-without-being-overly-slippery floor. The Great Flips fitted the claw the right way and gave the top of the Japanese’s head a snip, and whatever little measly balding hair he had was shaved off.
“NOOO! MY Hair!!!”
“Serves you right, lad! That’s the spirit old chum!”
“Right on, chum! Hail!” roared the other pit.
Seeing all his other comrades being overpowered one by one, the last Japanese businessman tried to grab the big sack near the table and make a run for it. He did not even get within two steps of the sack when he was tripped by a sliding tackle from The Great Flips, and while he barely held his ground, his left eye was hit by a mini pancake thrown by Pooh. Trying to make a last effort at getting to the sack, he was greeted by a weird mystical puff of white air and he fell to the ground, unconscious.
“Hah! Sniff.” said Drugz as she kept the asthmatic puff spray back into her big bag.
The companions gathered round the sack, after they had tied up all the Japanese and called the police, reporting of drug pushers in Samrio building. After The Great Flips gleefully slotted in a 20kg sack of expired opium from Drugz ridiculously big bag into the suits of the Japanese businessmen, she opened the sack gingerly. What was inside? What threatened the safety of the world and Christmas itself?
At that moment, Randy the Red-Nosed Reindeer, brother of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, came dashing in through the glass windows. After shaking off the glass bits, Randy thanked the companions for having successfully retrieved Santa’s magical Christmas sack.
“You mean all that talk of grave danger and threat to world safety was referring to this sack of Christmas gifts?” asked The Great Flips in horror.
“Duh, dude. What do you think it was? Hey by the way, can I have some of that puff? It’s high-grade.” asked Randy.
“Sigh…. All that for this….” said a disappointed Flips.
At that, Randy said, “aww cheer up, dude. If you hadn’t helped, children all over the world will not have their Christmas presents. The elves had protested to the Worker’s
“Please, would you mind not calling me that. STOP calling me ‘dude’!!!!” screamed an exasperated Flips.
“Oh lighten up on the poor chap, chum!”
“Aye, he only means well!”
The Great Flips rolled her eyes, but kept wisely quiet this time.
“Well, dude, Santa did say to bring you these! It’s his little way of saying thanks.” Randy said as he whipped out a big-ass family economy size packet of top-grade
Regaining her cheerfulness and excitement, she hastily unwrapped her present with the help of her claw, and there it was….. A brand new Canon IXUS 70.
And thus the quest ends, and once again peace and happiness reigns this joyous season, and the world has these little-known heroes to thank for it.
