Borrwing Harry

Warning: The following play was written by me, and me alone. The author's intention (ie my intention) is to use the play for educational purposes in conjunction with the Speak-Good-English movement in Singapore. There is harsh language in the play that might be jarring to the ears of the elite, so read with caution. You may freely plagiarize me and my hard work, if it serves whatsoever purpose for you, be it educational or entertainment, I'm happy enough.

p.s.: the play will only be performed sometime this or next week. Do not attempt any spoiler movements on the author's students, or Harry's publishers and the Ministry that backs me WILL sue you.

Characters:

Harry Potter

Hermione

Ah Huat

A

B

Lucy Leow

Fairy Godmother

Plain-clothes Inspector

[Setting: Harry Potter and Hermione, in their adulthood. Arrives in Singapore.]

Hermione: Look Harry! Isn’t Singapore a fine country? I told you this would be a good vacation.

Harry: Well, yes but I still don’t feel very good about not bringing along our magic wands.

Hermione: Oh loosen up, Harry! Relax! What can happen here in sunny Singapore?

[Enters Ah Huat]

Huat: Ha Ha! Now you are doomed, Harry and Hermione! I will destroy you for Lord Voldermort!

Harry: Who are you??

Huat: I am the great Ah Beng, Lord Ah Huat, part-time pirated VCD seller in Punggol Plaza and a relative of the evil Lord Voldermort! He wants you dead, Harry! It’s time to let you see my terrible magic!

[Huat poses with wand, ready to strike]

Hermione: But you don’t even look like Voldermort at all, you you…

Huat: You you what? I’m not botak like Voldermort? Of course! I went to Yunnan Haircare ok, don’t play play! I am his great-uncle’s second daughter’s nephew’s son. Ha ha!

Harry: But you don’t look like a snake like Voldermort does!

Huat: Yah, I know but I’m CEO of the Eat Snake Clan, Singapore branch. You talk too much, Harry! [strikes the wand at Harry] Forgetis English!

Harry: [writhes in agony] Arggh!! The pain! Wah, I… I…. buay tahan! Why I talk like that? Why my powderful England no more?

Huat: Ha ha! That’s because I have cast a spell on you which takes away your proper English so you can’t cast your stoopid spells on me! You’re next, Hermione!

[As Huat is about to strike Hermione, A and B run past them in a great hurry]

A: Oei, you got put parking coupon not? Mada come already!

B: Hurry up, scurry later you kena summaned!

Huat: Wah die, my Honda! [Runs off with A and B]

Hermione: Are you alright, Harry? We have to get away from here!

Harry: Yah, I’m ok. Let’s siam!

Hermione: What did you say?? Oh never mind!

[the two stumbles off]

[Enter Lucy]

Lucy: Wah! Weather in Singapore so hot, why you two wear until so action?

Hermione: Excuse me! What did you say? What, action? But anyway, can you help us please? Someone is trying to kill us!

Lucy: Kill? Sure or not? Don’t be so kiasee leh.

Harry: Really, what she say is confirmed one!

Hermione: What are you two blabbering about? I’ve had enough of this atrocious bad English. You people can’t even talk properly. You.. you’re just like donkeys!

Lucy: Wah, no need to be so mean right? Why you call us Singaporeans animals? We…

[A and B walk by again, gossiping loudly]

A: ha ha, dunno.. then HE HOR… so HE HOR

B: Aiyah, HE HOR.. HE HOR… [A and B exit]

Hermione: See what I mean? That’s how donkeys sound! All that HEE-HAW!

Lucy: Er… but that’s just how Singaporeans speak what.

Hermione: Yes, but the rest of the world can’t understand what you are trying to say! You’ll only be laughed at if other people can’t make out what you’re saying!

Lucy: I guess you’re right. Anyway, I’m Miss Leow. My name’s Lucy.

Harry: Huh? Lu-see Leow?? You die already?

[Hermione stares at Harry in disgust]

Harry: Anyway, I’m Heli-copter, and this is Hermonee.

Hermione: It’s Harry Potter. I’m Hermione!

Harry: Whatever lah, but we need to find someone who knows magic to help us!

Lucy: Ah! I know just the person. Come, we must hurry! Let’s go see my Fairy Godmother! She works in the ministry.

Harry: She from gahment ah?

Hermione: Garment, what garment? You mean she works in a clothing factory?

Lucy: No, he is trying to say “government”. Come on, let’s go!

[the trio exits]

[enter Fairy Godmother, using a feather duster]

[trio approaches her]

Harry: THAT is your Fairy Godmother? Is that feather duster her wand?

Fairy: Of course not, silly boy. I see you have been affected by the Bad English spell. Let me help you! [whips out the real wand and taps Harry] Correctus English!

Harry: [feels his head and body] Hooray! I’m back to normal, Hermione! Now let us go confront Ah Huat!

Hermione: But we have no wand, Harry. Without the wands, we are powerless.

Fairy: Fear not, I have wands for sale here. Buy one get one free! Only $25.90, inclusive of 7% GST. [unwraps and hands them wands]

Lucy: But aren’t those chopsticks?

[Harry and Hermione look suspiciously at the disposable chopsticks]

Fairy: Yes they are, but they are magical chopsticks! Don’t worry!

Harry & Hermione: Alright, if you say so. Thanks!

[all exit]

[enter Huat holding parking ticket glumly]

[enter Harry and Hermione]

Harry: Prepare yourself for duel, Ah Huat!

Huat: What? It’s you two! Thanks to you, I kena $30 parking summan! You will pay for this! [crushes ticket and throws to floor] Die!!

[plain-clothes inspector enters]

Inspector: You there! [points to Huat] Do you know there is a fine for littering?

Huat: I er… I only dropped it accidentally. I…. I…

Inspector: No excuses, you’re going to the police station with me!

Huat: NO! No! Give chance leh! No…..

[Huat is led away]

Hermione: You see Harry, I TOLD you Singapore was a FINE country!

End