To Cuba Please!

Dear Mr Castro,

It’s been an awful long time since I last wrote to you. Tings have been going very well for me. I’m not sure if you could receive cable from where you are, but I’ve been keeping myself busy in the entertainment circle though Hollywood seems sometimes prejudiced against Brits like me who are dreadfully talented and diversified. I know you probably share similar resentment towards these think-they-know-it-alls. Oh well.

From boybands to acting, I’ve done quite a proud bit, though many of the works are not easily available in the mass market. By the way, you should subscribe to cable. There are plenty of feel-good programs on. Like American Idol, which makes you laugh your worries away. I know it might not be easy for you, since you’ve told me before you sell cigars for a living, and you have a nation to feed. Well, it must be a jolly big burden on you. Other people just have families to feed, and you have to sell cigars to feed a nation. Golly, that must be tough. Besides, your biggest customer Bill O Clinton has not the buying power he probably had before. Anyway, things are not as flowers and laughters here for me either. Truth be told, I have not much major projects ever since a major play I took part in. A small role but nevertheless it was a good outlet to showcase my outstanding and hardworking acting. I played the hero, starring opposite that weird boyband partner I told you about. He just doesn’t quite carry off his pink man, I tell you.

Anyway, I wrote mainly to ask how you are feeling. There have been reports in the news that your health is not fantastic these days. I know I know, you must be saying, “well what’s an old man supposed to do eh? Everyone has an expiry date!” Well, I do hope you have plans for that nation you’re supposed to feed. I guess it might sadden you to have to leave them behind, after having brought them this far and standing against that big country for so long. Maybe, you could get them to go to the China market? I heard it’s a big market there. And you did mention some remote ties with them, didn’t you? Well, maybe it’s time to call in the favour. If they owe you any, that is. Get them to bring you some bird’s nest or ginseng yeah? I heard they have plenty over there. Just make sure you check them as some folks over there think we foreigners can’t tell the difference between a ginseng and a tree root. Singapore is a pretty nice place with fancy medical facilities here. Maybe you could consider coming over here for treatment and recuperation. Though, they might not take kindly to it ever since the last incident they had where the recently ousted ex-Prime Minister of Thailand came for a private visit and Singapore got rejected for some project with the Thais. Well, I don’t exactly know the details and they won’t really tell us much from the news anyway. Yes, which makes me wonder why the bloody hell I watch the news anyway. I might as well watch Stallone movies. These days, these old guys are trying to make a comeback. Stallone is going to do another installation of Rocky. And Harrison Ford snatched the role of Indiana Jones from me. That’s ridiculous. Why can’t Indiana Jones be like James Bond, with different guys playing him? Oh well, maybe I’ll go try the audition for 007 when Craig steps down. I have the accent and the looks you know.

I got to be going now. My manager and I just go about trying to make our living work these days. It’s not easy living from day to day, especially when you don’t have lawsuits to fight for alimony from rich wives like Britney Spears. Hope you get better soon! Maybe you guys can implement Medisave too like what Singapore does. Though nobody quite knows how the hell it works, or how much money it really saves you, we just go on about it. Keeps everyone happy, you know. Take care now, and cut down on those cigars.

Regards

William Bailey