Mixed feelings... 7 dwarves have finally evolved into 7 wolves, ever hungry ever alert, ever pounding on big feet that come their way. I do sometimes wish they would all go as soon as possible. Cancan is obviously having it as jialat as me, her nipples and area round it are red and swollen from the pups' teeth and nails, looks so painful. Everytime she goes back to feed them, they mob her like zombies on walking fresh meat in Resident Evil type movies... Sigh..... I feed them those grandma cream crackers and animal milk formula. Hope its enough.
I'm having problems teaching them what I would have hoped to teach them. Sit. Not accomplished. Wait quietly for food. Hardly ever done. Keep quiet. Daunting task. While it's excusable to say its difficult to handle 7 lively pups, but really... I could and should have done so much more for them. And yet sometimes, I inevitably vent my anger or frustration on them. Nearly dislocated Darlie's jaw few days ago when I pushed him away from the door too hard. He fell over and knocked on the floor real hard. That was when I felt so much remorse. It only serves to reinforce my earlier beliefs: I'm not cut out to take good care of them. Why think whether the adopters can give them quality care when I myself have failed at that? At least, they'll get the food and care and attention they need, I hope.
The nights are sometimes worse. For the first time in my life, I'm actually experiencing insomnia. Lie on the bed, and I would be all awake anticipating possible barkings from Cancan or the pups, and then go attend to them. I'm tired, sick, worn out, drained yet... there's this nagging bit inside me that refuses to let go. I wish so much the pups could tell me if they're happy here with me, this poor boy who hardly ever feeds them enough, keep their areas clean enough. But I'm trying, I really am....
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