One Epic Tale to End the Year

All glorious legends of the fight for freedom and survival live to tell, and this is one such story.

This tale is of the charismatic former soviet leader the Great Flips, one of strong character and intuitive foresight. And what is the story about? Well, if you have not been paying attention, or have some reading deficiency, the author will say it again: the fight for freedom and survival.

“Do we really have to go in?”

After a long dreaded pause, the Great Flips replied,” yes, my minions. Much as I don’t like it, we will have to push through the masses and retrieve what is precious to us, and ensure victory in our war to survive.”

In the secretive Ops Room of Flips, her aides were silent, each with their respective deep pensive preoccupations. “What were we talking about again?” Everyone ignored Pooh’s question of ignorance and forgetfulness. It was typical of him and everyone had become accustomed to his usual unwitting sabotage of discussions with questions like these which attempt to helpfully sum up the discussion topics but was never really quite useful nor productive. All but the polar bears ignored poor Pooh. They, well, rolled their eyes in embarrassment and pain. Some more astute readers might ask then, why is a bumbling Pooh a crucial aide in discussions of wars and great emergencies? The truth is, wars are unpredictable and there must be different people who play different roles in order to win. Readers might also be familiar with the same theory expounded by Tolkien who had his most important task of melting a certain ring carried out by a midget.

“We will move in early to avoid some of the masses, maybe in the morning,” pondered Flips, scratching an invisible beard with a small cute blue flipper.

“Morning, as in early morning is it?”

There was silence again as everyone ignored Pooh’s rhetoric question. It was then decided that in order to ensure smoothness in their tactical maneuver, they shall have to adopt Hitler’s famous ‘pincer movement’. Evidently, Hitler had been a great fan of chilli crabs. It was decided the camouflaged swat team had to provide cover for everyone to make their way out of Flip’s hideout in the zoo where they were currently having the meeting. Ammunition had to be signed out from the secret warehouse stash of Flips, war fatigue equipment had to be issued. Everyone proceeded to get busy, moving around to do their respective jobs getting ready to storm out of the zoo and proceed to their destination to fight a large-scale elusive enemy. At the ammunition warehouse behind the Ops Room, Pooh for once asked a useful question, ”will we need something more potent than conventional weapons?” Immediately, Flips slapped pooh on the back with a flipper stained with bits of msg from complementary rice crackers during the meeting, and said, “yes, Pooh, yes. You’re right, we need something more. This cannot be avoided. Send in the chemical warfare specialist.” She was the best they had in that field, she was elusive and stealthy, being able to step in and out of places without so much as a sound, capable of moving around enemy troops, and dealing with them with the large array of chemical weapons at her disposal. She was fittingly codenamed: Drugz.

“Where’s Drugz?” screamed Flips. At that, General Sir Pale-Wing had come in with the report that Drugz had missed the meeting just now because she was still sleeping and nobody dared to wake her for fear of her mysterious fury. Fortunately, she was now awake but taking one of her usual hour-shower. “Dratty drats, we’ll have to move without her then. Well, she wouldn’t need the camouflaged swat team anyway. She’ll be able to weave in and out stealthily, and make her way to our destination quietly. Everyone, draw your ammunition and equipment now! Move, Move Move!”

At the Logistics Room, it was a mass of confusion, especially since Pooh was partly in charge of it. Everyone lined up to get their helmets from trusty Helmet Lai, while her partner Billy Bomber Bau was barking at them to stand in line. The Great Flips shouted across the room, “Lai! I need a hole at the top of my helmet for my tuft of blue hair to stick out, and by the way, do the helmets come in pink? Oh, never mind, I need to colour-code. Give Pooh a size 14 helmet! His head is too big!”

After a long period of contemplation, Helmet Lai muttered in reply, “the largest size is 12! No 14!” Great Flips shot her a dirty look, and hastily, Lai proceeded to make a custom helmet. With her specialties of precise mental calculation and damage control, she took two Size 7 helmets and patched them together for Pooh. Meanwhile, the queue for the helmets took slightly longer as Billy took charge of issuing and they could not quite make out what he was saying.

Soon, everyone was gathered in full force at the assembly area, waiting for their great illustrious leader to address them. Drugz, as usual, was still nowhere to be seen but was reported to have gone ahead first.

With stern, piercing eyes, Flips proudly inspected her army. Everyone was ready and dressed up. Fondly, she wanted to take a good look at everybody before she addressed them. As she walked past the ranks, she giggled at Sir Pale-Wing’s ankle socks, eyed Helmet Lai’s makeup, adjusted Billy’s sailormoon outfit and lastly, scratched Pooh’s perpetually out-of-place tummy. Clearing her throat, she began, “my comrades, the time for great changes is upon us. And with our small paws, flipper and what have you, we will exact this mighty revolution! Many years from now, rolling around sleepily in your beds, you shall remember this great momentous day when you play a part in realizing our goals and beliefs! What we want is a swift, quiet, casualty-free victory, so this is what we shall do. The two fat polar bears, yes you two sitting stumpily there on the marble floor, will pretend to be two massive ice blocks to provide us cover to make it past the icy enclosure outside so we can get out of the zoo. As the swat team, you are responsible to swat at any resistance, and guard the enclosure after we’re gone to ensure our retreat route. Swat violently at any foolish mynahs that dare come near also!” Billy echoed in unison. There was an awkward pause and the shuffling of feet to wait for the moment to pass amongst the ranks as everyone knew about Flips and Billy’s mysterious deep-rooted hatred for mynahs.

Soon, everyone was ready and started moving out. While the two polar bears slumped down, still as rocks, on the icy floor, the rest hid behind them. Slowly and skillfully, the two bears shifted their bottoms from side to side, edging nearer and nearer to the gates. Everyone crept along silently, safe behind the gigantic camouflage. All that is, except poor Pooh. His feet shuffled loudly everytime they moved, and everyone stared at him. And when they moved, it always took poor Pooh a second more to understand what was going on, and tried to catch up with the rest. Everyone looked at Flips, but she did not say anything as she had covered her eyes with her flippers; watching Pooh at such moments can be unbearable for many’s stomachs and voice boxes. Finally, just as they were reaching the gates, everyone held their breath anxiously while Flips fumbled for a copy she had made of the key, when all of a sudden, Pooh called out in jubilation, “let’s go!” There were hushed threats of certain death coming from all around Pooh. And as he tried to say something else, they persuaded him to keep quiet.

After a considerable amount of effort digging into her handbag of makeup, handphone and pink poodles, she triumphantly held up the key. As everyone heaved a sigh of relief and looked up towards the gates, they saw it open and beyond it, stood Pooh, tapping his happy yellow feet in a pair of paper hotel slippers from his previous Genting trip.

“I tried to tell you guys the door was open, you told me to keep it open yesterday after I squeezed through it what.”

Pretending none of the above happened, Flips closed and locked the gate, whistled for Pooh, and after he squeezed back in through the bars, proceeded to unlock it again. Everyone gave a silent cheer as Flips threw open the gates, and stormed out. All except the polar bears and Billy who had to guard the enclosure.

Soon after, they arrived at their destination. With bated breath, they stared at the enormous enemy, and what waited within. “It sure is large,” chirped Pooh helpfully. “It’s even named appropriately. Look, Giant Hypermarket!”

Nodding dismissively, Flips reminded her army again, “everyone knows what they are to get, right? Sir Pale-Wing, you job is just to secure the chickens. Let me remind you again not to grab a huge chicken, like last time and it wouldn’t cook!” Muttering under his breath, Sir Pale-Wing charged in first, with Lai following stumpily behind, her fringe swaying madly in the aircon wind to a bad tune of their own.

In the distance, they spotted their comrade, Drugz, floating around the huge shelves, weaving skillfully past careless shop assistants unchecked. Flips and Pooh caught up with her just as she looked back at them, nodding and signaling them to stop. They waited anxiously, as Drugz stepped slowly towards the wall. This was a dangerous task and fortunately, one which Drugz was also good at, other than falling and getting out of weird spots quietly. She stood for long moments facing the wall, examining carefully for signs of booby traps on the possibly fake aircon remote. Deeming it safe and being just a normal remote control, she gave them the signal to proceed, which was a loud hacking cough.

That glorious day, all went well for the great army of Flips. Under her brilliant guidance, everyone was able to secure their objectives. The two pink poodles grabbed quality Malaysian cucumbers to make preserved cucumbers, while Drugz hauled off successfully, popcorn and boxes of tissue. Pooh had managed to secure packets of the precious rice crackers and Flips found the precious, much sought after, hairgel. In minutes, everyone victoriously gathered at the cashier, and Flips silently rolled her eyes once again at the gigantic chicken Sir Pale-Wing had still got, despite friendly reminders. Now, for the final task: a most difficult one for most of them there who were largely mathematically illiterate. Lai eyed the cashier registering their booty carefully, mentally calculated the sums and paid with her card. Only after Lai looked through the receipt and nodded at Flips approvingly, did everyone heaved a sigh of victory.

This year, they would finally be able to have a packed and happy Christmas, decked with simply too much food. Oh, there is never too much food, according to one whom we are all fond of. Yes, Pooh was happy that day, giggling in his sleep, dreaming of chickens roasting in the oven, and marshmallows swirling all around.