Tales of fun, adventure and chivalry apparently never seem to cease. While most grand, intricate legends tell of the likes of 80% naked (helmets, capes, loin-cloths and sandals make 20%) Spartans battling and autistic albino assassin in the Lourve, this little tale is small in scale and mildly provocative in comparison.
Where does this tale begin then? Being the second installation of epic tales, most would assume it to stem from the previous one, but the author has willfully declined and also most likely unable to.
In an age where powerful forces fight for world domination, alliances are forged; loyalty is sworn; blood is shed. On such a stage, rises the strongest of leaders, the most intelligent, the most valiant and the most nonsensical. However, one great soul cannot maul this wide wicked world alone. An army fiercely loyal to the end is of absolute necessity, a large one. The army size, not the necessity itself. Now of course, loyalty cannot feed an army, you need money for ration. Bloody battles are usually stretched over a long time, inclusive of weekends and public holidays, and many great leaders have failed in their conquests because of financial embarrassment, and reduced to having fulfill their dreams of world domination over a boardgame of Risk. But, not this great leader- the one they call Great, the one they are petrified to refer to by her Chinese name, the one from the harsh biting cold of the Soviet Union. The Great Flips. While many may suspect this great penguin leader to have been madly lost during migration to have ended up in the Soviet Union, none ever dared ask in person. She instilled the fear of God in one, not god-fearing fear, but fear of Flips the God. It was indescribable. It was pure fear, like, fear from a fearful aura of fear.
The Great Flips was a smart and shrewd leader who knew she needed massive amounts of money to finance her deadly large army, and whenever she sniffed some money-making opportunities, she slid upon it as quickly and swiftly as a quick and swift penguin sliding along the ice on her tummy. She simply loved the festive seasons, for that is when she makes the most money, from happy innocent civilians who buy products mass-produced and marketed by her. With the efficient clutches of industrialism and marketing, she copiously churns funds from Christmas and New Year stuff stamped innocently with happy cute images of a fat yellow soft toy bear, her sidekick bear.
This great adventure began when the Great Flips was sweeping the floors of her home one bright morning. You might ask, why would a great leader who commanded armies be sweeping her own floors. Well, to which the author actually had no answer to and also too lazy to spin one up. Anyway, as she was sweeping sleepily, to her surprise, she came across a browned (not browned as in cooked till slightly brown but brown from paper aging) parchment tied with a pink ribbon. Irresistible to pink ribbons, she swiftly scooped up the rolled parchment from underneath her sofa, and sat down hurriedly but stumpily to open it.
Usually, she would have took everything apart and opened the parchment to read in a stylo instant, but she realized she had best be careful with this delicate parchment which was all browned (not browned as in cooked the pork till slightly brown kind of brown but brown from paper aging). Who knows how old this piece of writing could be? Hundreds of years perhaps? The Great Flips, with her still sleepy beady eyes, was clearly 55% excited. Slowly, she untied the ribbon and read the paper’s content. Her eyes opened up wide with disbelief! There in her professionally manicured flippers was a treasure map! A real treasure map! She furiously thought to herself, was it a pirate treasure map? There was a cute skull and ship on the piece of paper, and the parchment did look authentic and ancient! How exciting! This was definitely going to be more exciting than Nancy Drew on one of her weird adventures here there and everywhere, that this author had never before read. In about 2.3 seconds, she decisively decided. She would embark on this adventure to dig for treasure! A sea adventure it was to be then! A pirate adventure! She gathered her army and told of the great plan to go seek treasure. She addressed them with insuppressible excitement. Grand Bateau! We will build a ship! Yes, a big ass ship, with smoothly filed and varnished floors so we can all slide along in peace and suffer no cuts. So get to work, you bunch of sea blubbers! You will all address me as Captain from now on!
Her army stood still.
“Eh excuse me ah, you never tell me what we are each supposed to do,” Chokin' Left Lai asked, with one pale arm raised high in an awkward fashion. The other arm was holding a piece of ginger snaps gingerly.
“Pooh!” Flips screamed. At that, her First Mate, Petrified “Parley” Pooh, voiced a very serious whipping sound, ‘WAH-PHISHHH’, furnished with very serious frowned brows to emphasize the harsh punishment Flips had meted out to Lai for asking too many questions. That was how strict Flips was with her army in order to maintain discipline in the camps. Everyone knew better than to mess around with Flips and her merciless, blood-drawing whipping, complete with scary sound effects. With that, everyone quickly dispersed in fear, waiting for their respective instructions to come in.
Being the most artistic, the perpetually drugged Army Jester, Turdstone, was appointed exterior and interior designer of the massive fleet which had to house the Great Flips, her sidekick-now-turned-First-Mate-Pooh, her army, her cosmetics, and their rations. In the end, that all translated into one ship, a big ass ship, as Flips liked to term it. Designing a ship was not an easy job, as Turdstone soon found out. Being dependent on drug abuse to perpetually be high, jovial and jesting was so much more preferable to sitting there listening to Great Flips’ suggestions and trying to draw up an impeccable design for a ship, and it did not help that neither of them had ever designed a ship in their entire lives!
“It needs a skull and crossed swords! Pirate SHIPPPP!”
Great Flips huffed and panted in exasperation at Turdstone all hunched up over her drawing desk. Hoping Turdstone had heard what she said, she continued, “A pirate ship to avoid complications with other pirate ships! And most importantly, the skull and crossed swords cannot be done away with, it’s typically pirate! But I want it in pink!”
“What??” Turdstone screamed in horror. Between that and the following sentence the author would soon type, there had been a long awkward silence all of which lasted mere 3 seconds, with the Great Flips staring beadily at Turdstone and thereby dissolving her into a pool of silent submission.
“The symbol at the ship’s front, what do you call that, a figurehead? Where others usually put up a statue of a mermaid with a harp, we shall put up my angry, screaming face to strike fear in all who lay eyes upon it, beady or not! By the way, I want a defined side profile.” This business of fear was no joking matter, the Great Flips could easily instill the fear of God in anyone, not god-fearing fear, but fear of Flips the God.
Soon, the plans were completed and her armies set to building and decorating the ship as swiftly as they could. By now, everyone had become very excited by the idea of treasure-hunting! There were rumoured accounts amongst the ranks of how the treasure map looks like, and where the likely location could be. Nobody has ever seen the treasure map. Great Flips keeps it guarded all the time, being suspicious, which was in her nature. Only in the nights, when all is asleep, does Great Flips take out the super secret treasure map to go through all over again, very carefully. This was a nightly ritual, a ritual many had come to term as the silent dance, where Great Flips has to ritually perform a certain sequence of psychomotor movements before taking out the map. Everyone knew better than to try and peep at the silent dance.
In less than a month, Great Flips’ mighty fleet (which was a grand total of one ship) was ready. It would have originally taken them half a year to build but thanks to Pooh’s innovative laziness, he had suggested buying boxes of small wooden model ships and piece them all up together to build one large ship. There was the initial skepticism but when the armies realized the tremendous amount of time saved, they were thankful. The only drawback was that many of the planks had a small stamp reading “Tamiya”. And there were no more stickers that came in the box to stick on the planks to decorate because Great Flips had commanded that all the stickers be brought to her war room for a personal inspection, and they strangely never did come back again.
By now, most of the troops had been tagged with creative pirate nick names by the Great Flips. If they had been lucky. If not, they would get weirdly nicknamed by Petrified “Parley” Pooh, the appointed First Mate by default and not by merit whatsoever, except maybe the model ship idea. So, you could see a massive, fierce army storming around on their tasks, calling out to each other with their new names, greeting each other, with “Aye!” and “Yarrr!” And they all had to address the Great Flips as Captain. Though the title itself had caused some concern amongst the ranks how their captain, who had no fingers except maybe some fish fingers in her lunchbox, was going to steer the ship.
Tuesday finally came! It was the scheduled day they set sail, and everyone was in a state of flurry. The Captain was to inspect the pantry and ration storeroom before they set sail. The Ration Master, Hobblin’ Hamz, was drifting around her storerooms and pantries anxiously awaiting the Great Flips. She was rather stressed out in keeping a vigilant watch recently, as a robber had taken to looting the pantry. It was most likely an inside job and Hobblin’ Hamz had decided to tell the Captain when she came for the inspection later. They could not afford sailing off with a robber within their ranks. He could turn out to be a spy, a robber, a killer, anything! What if he began a mutiny? While Hobblin’ Hamz typically retreats into her own world of stress, undue fear and strange imagination of leading people up different garden paths, the Great Flips arrived. Or rather, slid in. On her tummy. There was the usual distinctive “WHEEE!” as she zipped by. But then, there was strangely silence. Apparently, the Great Flips had overshot and zoomed into the kitchen. Pursing her lips and looking around to see if anyone saw, she lumbered quietly into the storeroom next door where Hobblin’ Hamz was waiting.
“Ahem!”
That brought Hobblin’ Hamz back to reality. The Great Flips was eyeing her beadily up close. “Is everything in order? Are all rations and fresh water ready?”
Hobblin’ Hamz gathered her thoughts and said, “aiyah.”
“Captain,” said the Great Flips curtly, “you will address me as Captain before whatever you want to say, even if it’s just ‘aiyah’.”
And she paused for a long time, searching for the right words to say, which was typical of Hobblin’ Hamz who was always letting her thoughts and concentration float off since thoughts and her concentration were the only things of hers that were ever capable of floating. “Captain, aiyah. Some rations are actually missing. Stolen.”
“What?!?!?! By Who???? What was taken?”
“I don’t know, I mean, I don’t know Captain, he was masked from top to bottom in black but he was not very tall and a bit round and stumpy. He tried to carry off some sacks of potatoes but gave up because it was too heavy. I think we lost some snacks…”
“We lost some rice crackers, yes?”
“Er, yes. How did you know?”
“Ahem. ‘Er, yes Captain. How did you know Captain?’” mimicked the Great Flips rather helpfully.
Hobblin’ Hamz evidently found this new form of address and speech a very difficult task. Struggling to remember, she repeated, “Er, yes Captain. How did you know Captain?”
Great Flips, I mean Captain Great Flips eyed both Hobblin’ Hamz and this narrator beadily and asked, “did he look like he had two fishballs for ears?” At that, Hobblin’ Hamz nodded slowly. Rolling her eyes in a rather resigned manner, Captain Great Flips muttered, “forget it, he probably won’t try to take anymore stuff. Relay my instructions to the troops. We’ll dock for one more day to replenish rations.”
When the two polar bears onboard heard the news, they were ecstatic. Now they could leave on Wednesday night instead! This pair of wayward polar bears was on deck for the sole purpose of entertainment and Captain Great Flips figured that since they were usually cheery and displayed hilarious antics like hugging a coffee table to sleep, they could provide some laughs to the troops on the long journey. Now that they realized they were leaving only on Wednesday, the two polar bears hastily ran back to their room and dug at the paper basket. They had thrown away something very precious because they thought it was no longer useful. Now, it was again. Perhaps, hopeful would be a more appropriate word than useful. For you see, these two polar bears have somehow learnt the vices of men, and have taken to buying the lottery. And Wednesday was one of the draw dates. Now that they were able to stay to hear the results of the lottery, they were furiously trying to retrieve the lottery tickets they had previously bought. This presented a rather awkward scene, and certainly one acclaimed directors would have difficulty fitting into a frame: two massive fat polar bears hunched up over a tiny waste paper basket, digging furiously. Just as they were still looking around desperately inside the basket, Petrified “Parley” Pooh walked by outside the door, whistling happily to the tune of “Barbie Girl”. He felt cheerful, having contributed some effort towards the ship by emptying and throwing away the waste from the paper baskets onboard. Still whistling, he dragged two plastic bags, a small one with scraps of paper and tissue in it and the bigger one with rice cracker packaging crammed fully, along the floor to the rubbish collection centre while the two polar bears continued burrowing into the basket in vain.
As soon as it struck ten at night the next day, which was the Wednesday in case you are a bit lost, Captain Great Flips rallied her troops through the loudspeaker from her cabin. Before she could speak, she had to lower the loudspeaker volume to switch off her tv as the noise from signal disturbance was very loud. Everyone onboard had to do the same to hear their Captain, with the exception of Chokin’ Left Lai, who was glued to the last few bits of trailer of the drama serial tomorrow night on Channel 8.
“Listen up, ya bumbling bunch of barnacles! We are now preparing to set sail, off into the horizon for adventure and treasure! I hereby christen our ship over a bottle of root beer. I give you: the Dumpling!!! ARRRRR!”
There was a long silence onboard, almost as if everyone had to think long and hard to decide if the Dumpling was cool enough a name for their pirate ship. Then there was a clap, followed by a few claps and then loud cheers. Long live the Dumpling! Aye!! And on that chest-thumping note, they set sail. But not before a further few more minutes were wasted because the First Mate had forgotten to raise and keep the anchor.
For days they sailed, sometimes going in circles, and sometimes just going nowhere. However, the Captain was brave and steered the ship tirelessly. Yes, the Great Flips, wearing her claw attachment, was fully capable of steering the grand ship. On dark stormy nights, she alone stood stumpily and firmly on the deck, eyeing the horizons suspiciously and steering them clear of schools of dolphins and rocks, while many of her troops hid in their cabins in mismatched pajamas, sipping hot chocolate and devouring massive amounts of snacks to calm themselves down. Usually, after a storm, Pale-Wing Tony would dependably dry up the deck efficiently around 4am and by the time the sun is up, he would have also prepared piping hot breakfast. That helped keep many of the troops from skidding from slippery floors or hunger.
After many days out at sea, Captain Great Flips finally saw land. Was this finally where the map stated? The ancient treasure map had stated that the “X” was a little to the right of a small island shaped like a diamond. This tiny island up ahead sure looked like an island and she had tried to follow the directions on the map as faithfully as they could. Surely, this must be the place!
Swift instructions were given to drop anchor, and many onboard cheered for the treasure was within grasp! Even though there had been no mutiny so far, many of the troops had not had an easy trip; some were choking on every meal or peeing all around the ship, and others were single-handedly emptying the pharmacy supply of medicine and drugs. They had to dock at some capitalist harbour to replenish ration and stocks before they could complete the return trip.
Now, the First Mate and the Captain were in the War Room, trying to ascertain if this was the right place and how they were going to retrieve the treasure. After a long period of silent contemplation, tidbits, cheese, root beer, fruit and char kway teow, Captain Great Flips muttered, “something smells fishy here.”
“Well, maybe it’s the fishballs I’m using for ears. Haven’t changed them in a few hours.”
Ignoring the helpful nonsense, the Captain proceeded to tell the First Mate the plan of treasure retrieval. Hours later, after a nap, the pair emerged from the War Room and everyone was waiting anxiously outside, not for them but for tea-time. It was 4pm. Thus, after a cup of tea and some mint cookies, everyone proceeded out onto the deck. A plank was laid out from the side of the ship. As Petrified “Parley” Pooh was prodded onto the plank, Captain Great Flips addressed the troops, “ye scurvy sealions, listen up! The treasure is here, somewhere beneath the ship. We can’t all go down there because the waters are infested with man-eating sharks. Therefore, First Mate here will be going in by a very complex and technical procedure of jumping off the plank at any angle, minimize the splash, hold his breath and swim manically to the bottom of the ocean while taking care not to attract the attention of the man-eating sharks. Don’t worry, we know these are man-eating sharks here but thankfully the First Mate ain’t a man, and for added assurance, he will also be donned with protective gear that consists of insect repellent and a small white board worn around the neck stating in writing, that he is a pooh. In capital letters. The treasure shall be ours very soon matees!”
As the First Mate advanced on the plank nervously, he turned back to look at the Captain, to seek affirmation. The sharks down there sure did not look as bored as the Captain had assured him. To everyone’s amazement and admiration, for the first time, the Great Flips whipped out the delicate ancient treasure map for all to see. Holding it carefully, she examined the map one last time before Petrified “Parley” Pooh dove in.
Pooh sucked in a deep breath and prepared to dive. Just then, something on the map caught his eye. What was that? He called out to the Captain, “Flips! Is that some secret information I see at the back of the map? Maybe it’s useful, maybe I need it?”
Irritated at being disrupted yet again, Captain Great Flips thought of ignoring Pooh, but decided instead she had better double check everything, just in case it was some password he might need to retrieve the treasure. Turning the map behind, she saw a line of words, they looked very dated and ancient, before she looked closer and saw it was English. The ancient writing in English did not quite make sense, as it was not a proper sentence, whatever did it mean? Why does it sound familiar? Kelloggs? Captain Kelloggs the infamous pirate maybe? Kelloggs Copyright? Kelloggs corn pops. Kelloggs corn flakes. Kelloggs? Wait a minute… And in that minute that the Great Flips waited, flashbacks of her and Pooh dancing happily and madly to an MTV of some Brazilian song came to mind. They jumped up and down the couch, drank large amounts of coke, and opened a large box of corn flakes, Kelloggs Corn Flakes! And pooh had happily discarded the back of the box which was a mini treasure map game onto the floor. Oh oh….
“NO!!!!!!!!!!!” screamed the Great Flips in extreme pain, anguish and disbelief. Sensing something amiss, Pooh tried to nimbly climb back down to comfort the Great Flips, but he slipped on a bit of squid on the plank and missed his footing. Everyone screamed in horror and the Great Flips, Captain of the Dumpling, rushed forward to try and grab Petrified "Parley" Pooh but he was too far from reach, especially from flippers with no claw attachment on today. It was a very tense situation! Imagine, a yellow bear hanging on for dear life. And if you have never seen a yellow bear before, you might like to imagine instead a round lump of short crust dough, those they use to make pie crust, stuck on the edge of a wooden spatula. That was how ridiculously precarious the situation was. Thankfully, the First Mate, not being an old hand at sea, somehow found a better grip and got back up on the plank safely. At that, the Captain and everyone else heaved a sigh of relief. Petrified "Parley" Pooh was dreadfully glad and thankful too, and decided intelligently (for once) to step down from the plank. Whew! That was close, thought Pooh aloud and stretched his chubby paws and tummy. Before his brain could translate for what sounded like French but was actually Captain Great Flips shouting "No, you fool", he had tilted over due to his stretching and plunged down towards the sea. Normally, most narrators, such as this one who are more literally inclined than physics, would say that the moment froze with anticipated fear as everyone watched Pooh slowly slip further away from them, falling slowly but surely into the sea. Now, with physics and the law of gravity, we have been made to understand that objects, regardless of their weight, fall and accelerate at the same speed, landing at the same time. In vacuum that is. Therefore, poor old Pooh, due to his mass, fell rather quickly, but with a muted plop into the dark waters below.
At that, those onboard gasped and closed their eyes in horror but the highly-publicised sharks were nowhere in sight. In a few quick seconds, Pooh surfaced, looked up at the rest and waved happily, saying, "the water's quite warm and nice! You guys wanna swim?"
Well, before anyone could comment, they noticed Pooh sinking. The fat soft toy had his stuffing soaked and was increasingly gaining weight. As someone onboard shouted for someone to please go down there and retrieve the First Mate, the Captain calmly assured everyone that was not necessary, he wouldn't drown. He's a soft toy. He probably doesn't know you can't breathe underwater. With that, they turned back anxiously watching the part where Pooh had sunk. An hour passed like that, and by then, some onboard had retired for a nap, while others decided to make good use of the waiting time, like Chokin' Left Lai who had her favourite Japanese Axe-Murderer Hat on admiring the sea, Turdstone furiously drawing pictures of the sunset while taking occasional satisfies sniffs from a brown paper bag and the Captain herself was covered with suntan oil, complete with shades and the newest Cleo magazine.
All of a sudden, Pooh surfaced! But from the other side of the ship. He had found the anchor of the ship underwater, and slowly climbed his way up. After he was dragged onboard, he exclaimed, "it's beautiful underwater, all the fish and squids they make Fillet-o-Fish and takopachi from! And I found this!"
Hearing that, the newly-proclaimed pirates were all excited and their eyes lit up. Unexpected hidden treasure?
From behind him, Pooh whipped out a shiny object.
"A cockle!??!?!?!"
Pooh looked embarrassed. "Well, it is rather pretty. How do you guys like my new purse? I used it to keep this nice crisp American dollar I found near the seabed of that nearby small island you guys are floating dangerously close to, and that big metallic object lying near the shore there could hit the ship anytime now."
All onboard froze and their gaze followed the direction of Pooh's ominous fat finger and saw that indeed, they had floated close to an island because they had not been keeping watch. And yes! They were indeed going to collide with that big metallic object lying near the shore.
The collision was hard.
Everyone toppled, except fro the Great Flips who was lying on her tummy. Some pieces of plank began to give way and soon water was coming into the Dumpling. "Abandon ship, mateess!"
They grabbed whatever they could and made for the shore. That big metallic object lying there did not seem the least damaged by the collision. That's ususally the case, when big wooden model ships collide with a U.S. submarine. A submarine?!?!?! Yes, there it was, lying in the sun, a U.S. submarine lying in the sand on a deserted island.
The new pirates, who are now shipwrecked and shipless, proceeded to sniff and examine the submarine interestedly. There were no survivors, no bodies, and they had left the radio on. Well, not jus tthe radio, the oven was still on with chicken roasting in it. Immediately, there were hushed whispers within the ranks that the submarine crew had been attacked by cannibals or were wiped out by a nuclear bomb or something, or the banshees had them.
That spooked even the courageous Captain Great Flips so she decided to ready everyone and take over the submarine and sail back home. This adventure had gone far enough. She was sleepy and yearned to crawl back into that comfortable bed of hers and just sleep.
And so the new adventure begins, the new pirates commandeered by Captain Great Flips, now turned U.S. Marines, on a secret mission in a submarine. And they all happily went off to help out in whatever they could, just like it was a ship and everyone found it not too difficult to manage a submarine. Well, nearly everyone - it took a short while for Captain Great Flips to realise she could no longer do what she did on the ship, to stand alone and proud on the deck, inspecting the horizon and steering the ship. She would be submerged in water if she persisted. But it was not all disappointing for her. For in the captain's cabin, she had found a secret large stash of US dollars in a chest underneath the bed. It had a seal, not a seal who lives in the seal but a stamp seal kinda seal, stating 'Fort Knox'. There was not very much money there, only a couple million dollars that would be added to Great Flips' war funds. That kept her happy and giggling for a long while. And so, off they sunk and sailed!
Meanwhile, back at the island where they just left, a bunch of American soldiers were partying on the beach and as usual, throwing their green American dollars all around, buying this and that from natives living on the island. But when they went back to get more money from their submarine, they, well, they just couldn't, simply because, as we all know, the submarine was no longer there. But dear readers, do not worry for these crazy Americans. Though they lost their submarine a couple of million dollars, being American automatically made them cool with alot of things so they didn't fret that long, and built little rafts to row across the entire Pacific Ocean bac kto the shores of liberty. These little rafts were built from planks that were strong and sturdy, almost, industrial. And had cute little stamps on some of them that read 'Tamiya'.
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