The Muse

Recent weird dreams and bunnies nearing exams remind me of my own experience back @ NUS. Yes, I'm from NUS in case anyone thought I was actually 16 or something. And.. I graduated liaoz. Lol~

But yes... these jolts made me think of times when I actually locked myself at home, walked around with my specs on 24/7 and read books which were neither comics nor school texts, cited notes from critics, scribbled down points or arguments that I thought were gonna be radically brilliant, and then.... stoning and sleeping. Yes, stoning.. then when I got tired from that, I slept.

Yes, this was the exact ritual everytime I had Lit essays to write. The preparation is ideally done days before, and then... there would be the waiting. Normally the waiting ends the day the essay is due, at about 2 in the morning. That's when the Muse finally decides to visit me. I figured she must be pretty busy having to visit tons of schoolmates rushing for the same assignment and deadline, so at least I'm happy she bothers to come visit me. Then again, it's not always that she remembers to drop by my place.

I hate to say this but I'm actually hopelessly addicted to this. That kinda feeling is exhilarating and satisfying. Many people have called me lazy and "advised" that my essays could have turned out better if I wrote them way before. Absolute rubbish. I say that because I have tried that, does not work for me. The essay seemingly will not come into shape and form unless the deadline beckons it. Though the prep work should and could be done way before... oops... I suppose I'm addicted to it because of the excitement the stress of having to complete it gives: hours left to submission, sleep, arrangement of essay, thought flow, conclusion, not missing out anything while trying to thread all my points and the critics together. It's pure literary ecstasy. I guess nobody knows about this, but I do okie... I do love stress. It actually gives me focus. And I like that. Though it does not go in line with my usual bochup look, or urrmm.... comic frantic hustlings... After that sentence, I will not blame any readers for calling IMH to collect me, how ever do bochup and frantic go together? I dunno... I just do...

When I was in sec sch, I learnt from my good good friend wenxiong that competition does not always bring out the best in each other. In fact, it could even get ugly. Therefore I realised stupidly that what I should draw and make use of from the competition is subjecting myself to the stress it gives me to try to do something more, and more. But I try not to let the negativity get to me... Negative feelings or thoughts like how wenxiong is a small gancheong spider with a big ego ( he does actually but hell who cares) and not worry about me losing out to him or others. Using the stress to motivate yourself without getting entangled in the negative thoughts and paranoia it usually comes with, is an art. One which I never quite succeeded but hope you do. And apparently, the Force is strong in you.